One Long Night
by hibiren
Summary: When Joseph accidentally hurts himself, he starts to realize how he can make use of his pain. Sebastian isn't too happy with his partner's coping choices when he finds out about it, but isn't exactly one to talk himself. [repost from my ao3 account]


When Sebastian asked Joseph to take him drinking, Joseph simply agreed and asked what time to pick him up. The two of them had an awful week, nothing but endless cases going nowhere and everyone was pissed at the lack of progress. Especially Sebastian.

"We're better than this," Sebastian had told Joseph over his last cup of cold coffee for the night, "We should've finished these last week."

And Joseph agreed. But things were becoming harder to deal with as time went on and for a brief flicker of a moment Joseph entertained the idea of having a drink himself. But he knew that was a bad decision. He had other ways of coping. He'd taken to painting and small crafts, to keep his hands and mind busy and off of all the pent-up stress in his mind. But that only did so much.

It was an accident when it happened, and it only happened once so far. It was all he needed. Joseph was in the middle of making a small wooden box and the hand holding the small saw slipped and sliced a thin, jagged line from his wrist to the knuckle of his ring finger. Self-defense reflexes kicked in early enough to pull away in time, thankfully preventing the need for stitches, but there was just something about the way those bright red droplets flowed freely from the wound, it somehow made him feel more aware of himself. The physicality of this pain brought a different kind of distraction from the emotional burdens he'd been juggling—not only his own, but Sebastian's as well.

Of course, he'd cleaned and bandaged the cut after he realized what exactly was going on. And even wondered why he'd been thinking those strange thoughts. But when Joseph realized that simply smothering a canvas in watercolors or molding clay into something that could potentially qualify as useful just wasn't working as a distraction, he'd let his mind wander to that one afternoon he'd spent washing a steady stream of scarlet from his palm down the drain in his bathroom.

And remembered how he'd acted like nothing was wrong at work the next day, but would sometimes dig his fingers into his bandaging beneath the gloves if he needed a little reminder of the reason he was still here. If he could still feel pain, he was still alive. His logic was as simple as that. Lucky him, he'd injured himself in the one place Sebastian would never be able to see. Lord knows how Sebastian would react if he found out Joseph hurt himself and it wasn't so much of an accident as he would probably try to play it off as.

"Joseph. You're really out of it today. Something wrong? Are you sick?"

Sebastian's voice called Joseph out of his memories and back to reality. His injured hand rested beneath his other and the tips of his fingers were brushing gingerly over the still-tender skin, feeling the chafing of the gloves against the bandage and the slight snag of healing skin that had really been starting to feel satisfying.

In response Joseph shook his head and offered a smile, as much of one as he could manage. "No, I'm alright. Just thinking. And, what's the use sitting around here if we're—" Joseph checked the clock to be sure, "—getting off in the next minute? I'll just drive us to the bar from here. Isn't that place you like about ten minutes away?"

"Yeah. You need directions?"

"No, I've been there enough to pick you up, I think I know where it is." Joseph chuckled weakly and without thinking he reached for his car keys with his injured hand, wincing when the simple movement of closing his fist around the bundle of keys sent a flare of pain from his wrist up his arm.

Noticing the slight halt in Joseph's motion, Sebastian tilted his head and reached out to touch Joseph's shoulder. "You sure you're alright? I mean. I can always drink at home. If you're not up to driving, that's fine. I'm not gonna bully you into it."

Joseph flinched away from the contact, but also took a step over to the coatrack by the door to make it look like he'd just forgotten to grab his jacket as well. So he snatched up his gray coat and immediately put it on, making sure to button all the buttons as he usually did to make things seem just a little less unusual. He'd already slipped up once. Three strikes, you're out, Joseph reminded himself. Don't worry Sebastian any more than he's already dealing with. It's not fair to him and you don't need to bring that kind of attention to yourself.

"No, we can go to the bar. I'm fine." Switching his keys to his uninjured right hand, Joseph dangled them in front of the other before turning and opening the door to their office. "Let's go…"

And Sebastian followed behind Joseph without another word, and they drove off to the bar together. It was some half-decent place in a half-decent area of town, even if the patrons weren't the best of people and the drinks were of average taste. Sebastian, as usual, ordered his trademark glass of whiskey and Joseph decided to just get a glass of tea. The tea was way too sweet, but he drank it anyway. He'd already had a headache forming from whatever atrociously loud music the speakers were blasting, so what harm would a sugary drink do?

The two of them remained silent, not much for them to talk about beside work, as that was at the front of both their minds. Joseph kept thinking about one case, the death of a small child that had been originally believed to be an accident, until some strange evidence that turned up at the scene led to other ideas. Sebastian played off the case like it was nothing as always, put on his professional face and just sucked it up until he could forget about it over a glass or two of whiskey.

That's it, Joseph realized as he glanced between the glass of tea in his hand and the very faintly visible line of medical tape at the brim of his gloves, this is my whiskey. The strange attraction to his pain, the way he no longer complained if he banged his foot on that one stubborn leg of his desk at work… it all made sense.

"Jo." In a moment, Sebastian's arm was resting on his leg. "You sure nothing's wrong with you? Since the other day you've been acting really weird. Weirder than usual."

"I said nothing's wrong," Joseph muttered, turning away enough from Sebastian that he had to remove his hand. Clenching his bandaged fist and feeling the satisfying tingle of resistance of the split skin beginning to pull apart. It was enough to keep him calm. "Why can't you leave it at that?"

Sebastian leaned forward until there was only a few inches of distance between his face and Joseph's. "Look. I've been your partner for… fuck, a long time. I should damn well be able to tell if you're upset over something. You… you having girl troubles? Getting stalked or something? Did Connelly try to set you up with a bad egg, is that it?"

Joseph pushed the bar stool back enough to stand and mumbled something about going to the bathroom before making a quick beeline across the place and shutting himself into the small restroom. Once there he removed his gloves and slapped them down carelessly against the brim of the sink and stared at the blooming patch of deep red against the thin wrapping of gauze. For a moment Joseph wondered how the blood hadn't seeped through his gloves already.

Staring down at his hand, Joseph simply dug his thumbnail into the center of the stained bandage and let out a soft breath when that familiar prickle trailed across his skin, and he pressed his nail just a bit harder, hoping that would help him focus enough that he could get through the night…

In his moment of concentration, Joseph had completely missed the sound of the door opening behind him. It was Sebastian. And when Joseph turned to see who it was, he hadn't realized his thumb was still pressed deeply against his injured hand.

"What the fuck," was all Sebastian could struggle out as he took in the strangeness of the unexpected sight before him, "What happened to you?"

Joseph immediately picked his gloves up as if to put them back on but Sebastian snatched his injured hand away and held just below his wrist, and gently enough he didn't cause Joseph any more pain. Not that it would have mattered to him, of course.

"What the fuck is this?" Sebastian asked again, when Joseph gave no answer or sign that he would.

Looking away, Joseph simply shook his head. "Nothing. An accident. It…"

"You… you didn't do this to yourself on purpose, did you?" Naturally that would be the first place Sebastian's mind would go to. Not that Joseph had ever harmed himself purposely in the past, but Sebastian had already had enough to drink that he wasn't thinking straight. Little did he know he was right on the money with that prize-winning guess.

More uneasy this time, Joseph shook his head again. "No. No, I didn't." That much was true. The pleasure from his pain, however, that was a different story. "Now will you let go of me?"

When Joseph pulled his hand away Sebastian simply let go and remained in the doorway.

"Look, Joseph, I'm worried about you. You're—"

Another drunken male had made his way toward the bathroom, and was pretty much harassing Sebastian to move out of the way while glaring daggers at Joseph for also hogging up the bathroom when neither of them were making use of it.

With a careless shove, Sebastian pushed past the man and Joseph followed obediently behind him after grabbing his gloves again, one simple look from Sebastian enough to get him to follow. Joseph really didn't want to start a confrontation right now in the bar because it could escalate and lead to something awful. Joseph couldn't count the number of times he'd been called to a bar fight gone wrong.

Sebastian had simply deposited some bills from his wallet on the bar for their drinks and pulled Joseph by the arm outside so they could talk in relative peace. And Joseph was sure to put his gloves back on before the large patch of blood and bandages against his hand caught unwanted attention.

"Joseph. Look at me," Sebastian asked, voice low and thick with gravity. "Please. If… if something's wrong, tell me and that way I can help you. I don't want to watch you turn… turn into me… one of us has to be the sane one, right?" There was a frail chuckle from Sebastian that wasn't returned.

Joseph kept his eyes on the concrete of the sidewalk beneath their feet and remained silent.

"Is it really that bad?"

Finally, Joseph found it in himself to look at Sebastian. "You… you should understand me, you know."

Sebastian did seem slightly confused but didn't say anything about it, instead trying to prompt more of an answer from his partner. "What do you mean?"

"You've got the same problem I do. You just… deal with it differently. You have your drinks. And I have… this." The bandaged hand raised and he shrugged. "It's working, I think. I can concentrate now."

There was a strange, sad look in Sebastian's eyes now. "I… I didn't know you—well, you said this was an accident, right? But, what have you been doing with that? An 'accident' doesn't usually bleed that much, Jo. You don't want that to heal… do you? You want that, as a distraction?"

Slowly, Joseph nodded. "It's… not the best. But it works."

And without saying anything else, Sebastian pulled Joseph into an embrace, strong arms wrapping firmly around his smaller, slender partner. After a moment Joseph raised his hands to wrap around Sebastian's waist and just let the hug happen. Maybe this was what he needed after all. To let it out to Sebastian and not try to keep it to himself, as where he'd ended up wasn't pleasant.

"Please don't keep doing that to yourself, Joseph, I'm really worried about you. We… we should go back home, and change the bandaging, and let it heal properly…"

"It was just this once. And… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you upset. I didn't want you to worry about me. I'm not worth it."

Sebastian only held Joseph tighter. "What the fuck are you talking about? You're my partner. You're the most important person I've got right now. Of course I'm gonna worry about you, and of course you're worth it. When I think about all the times you've helped me through the shit I've had happen… I've always wondered, how I could repay you for that. But I can't help you out if you don't tell me anything. Just promise me, Joseph… next time… you'll come to me instead of doing this?"

Joseph nodded, a single tear slipping down his cheek and quickly absorbing in the fabric of Sebastian's vest. "I'm sorry, Seb. I… I'll… I'll let you know next time… I didn't mean—"

Smiling just a little in hopes of cheering up the other, Sebastian pulled away from their embrace enough to wipe away the path the tear made down his cheek with his thumb. "I know you didn't. Don't worry about that. Let's just go back home, okay? I'd… I'd drive, but." He chuckled.

"No, I understand. I'll drive… and, Seb?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could stay over tonight? We could talk more at my place than we could out here. We'd at least have a little more privacy…"

Sebastian nodded. "Yeah. That sounds good."

So they made their way to Joseph's car and headed toward his apartment, Joseph making sure to keep his focus on the road. He was no longer thinking about the pain in his hand, instead he remembered the way Sebastian's eyes had looked into his… his gaze full of worry, a different kind than usual. There was the sympathy he showed the victims of their cases and there was this. Sympathy, yes, but also something deeper than that. It might've been empathy, as Sebastian knew exactly what Joseph was going through. And though the empathy was unusual for Sebastian it was welcome that they finally had something in common they could both understand completely about each other. Something that went as deep as their souls.

Joseph was glad he could share that night with his partner. He couldn't imagine, going home alone after that. This night would be the night to just let everything out. To enjoy Sebastian's company and whatever advice he'd have to offer at this odd hour of the night. He was just glad to know Sebastian cared so much, and suddenly the pain in his hand wasn't feeling as much of a necessity. Not now that he knew, knew for sure, that Sebastian was there for him. And it was a good feeling. This would be one long night that Joseph was somewhat looking forward to.


End file.
